cowardly lion

this or anything from the album is ear porn

Two days off. One spent on decorating and reorganising. One on organising even more. Oh man. iCloud is a great invention but I didn't organise my iPhoto or iTunes enough to enjoy that feature. So everything being done now I can finally write a little.

I would never describe myself as scared, afraid, cowardly etc. But I said I would audition for drama schools in 2015 for entry in 2016 (if I were to get accepted anywhere on my first try) and have now found a wall. I've started preparing to learn many many monologues for choice and now I just need a date to work towards, so the sooner the better. Forcing yourself to prepare is one thing but that preparation needs to lead somewhere at least so you can move forward. The wall is the application process. I find it odd that drama schools could trust me to turn up to an audition with prepared monologues ready for them and I'd be like the thousands of others. It's like being an certified adult, not a teenager anymore. An adult and people listen to you more and you can be responsible for so much more. People believe you. It's an act ironically. But yeah, umm I'm finding it hard to bring myself to the point where I could move forward and unsure why.

I've been to auditions before, but they were all with a text provided for you to learn and perform so it's a bit different. The general "being judged" isn't an issue for me anymore. I mean, it isn't fun but it would never persuade me to try anything else just yet. 

It may be that I am possibly too lazy to do the leg work. Auditions for drama schools require you to really prove what kind of actor you want to be and in most cases, five minutes of proving that without fault. From what I understand it starts with what type of theatre you want to go into. I would like classic and comedy (all types). As I've never performed things like Shakespeare, only seen it once live and I love to make people laugh. Even black comedy like Waiting For Godot, if I were male. So I need to find female 20ish monologues that fit that. One being classic and the other modern. Not only to learn but read, grasp and practically live the play to prove your worth. Prove you are a true fan. I'll be honest and say I prefer novels because plays are meant to be seen, although I find myself with very little experience of seeing plays live and only seeing book adaptations of films. Whoops. It's also very hard having no one around that can help you with finding the right piece, it could go wrong. But I'm not stressing myself out about it, either way I will go with what I feel most confident with because that's truly where I can crash and burn. 

Maybe it's like setting a date will make it real. Yes. Italics for dramatic effect. God Save the Queen, I'm a little afraid. Which, being a Leo, does not make sense. Of course I'm one of those who likes to believe in astrological signs. Not that the stars have anything to do with it or planetary alignment, but the attributes of being born at different times of the year. I associate with a lot of the typical Leo qualities. So deal with that. 

Right, I will check out all the places I want to audition for and return. One sec...

I played with Gatsby for a bit, but turns out I have to spend an extra 40 pounds because my application is later than December 2014. Fuck. (First choice). One has to be via UCAS. Hello old friend. (Second choice). One is the 2nd March. Happy days. (Third ish choice). Theres one where the next audition day is 28th February. Umm.. Bit soon? (Good amateurs choice). One is three days away from being the deadline... Haven't checked this school out before so err another day? Another is four days away. My "being prepared" has turned to shit. So I may just take a leap of faith and wait for the trust. I thought "well you can apply and if you're really not ok then don't go" but that's a lot of money to drain. It's starting to look like some kind of façade that I want to go to drama school and learn but it's secretly a struggle to get going sometimes.

*Hours later* 

I haven't applied anywhere as of yet because not only do I need funds but I also want to guarantee every chance. I may have been involved in drama and musical theatre for eight years but that all stopped three years ago. There needs to be a slight change in my recent involvement as at the moment it is nil. 

Slight random quick post but good night x

Side note to myself: Apply to audition, experience a little and come back next year and be not only recognised (with a slight dedicated appearance) but even better.